Over the Edge… of What??

The world apparently.

When I started this journey, well, this particular journey, in January of this year, I had high hopes about what I would accomplish and bring to the world.

To date, what I have brought is … Silence. A lot of silence. And behind that avoidance. Of my goals, my growth, my intellectual needs, my emotional and spiritual needs. I did feed one need though more than any other. The need to hide.

I’ve always been different though I and my parents and I thought everyone around me, tried to suppress it. I made the right moves and talked the right talk, at least in public.

This past Monday (Aug 22) marked the four-year anniversary of my mother’s death and what I believe was the beginning of the end of my need to conform. To what you ask, I ask? Well, my mother’s ideals and my need to keep her happy. Something I don’t believe I succeeded at more than occasionally.

I’m grateful to my parents and frankly astounded that they managed to bring me up as well as they did. I’m a pretty cool person, fairly grounded, pretty self-sufficient, with decent manners, with a love and talent for the woo-woo.   Change though, was not something they really taught me how to handle, other than to endure.  Mom’s favourite saying was to look at it as an adventure, which frankly let me to hate the thought of ‘adventures’.  Adventures mean change.  And for me, before, anything new and different was something to be fought and when that didn’t work, endured.

I’m getting better at letting that habit go though. I’ve realized in the past few months that I actually crave change like a junkie craves his/her next hit. in the past, if things weren’t moving fast enough, I would force a change, one i had control of of course. I’d go get a new ‘do (thinking about doing this right now actually), move, buy something new, get a brainless second job, eat something, etc., anything to stimulate interest.  All signs of my boredom, designed to feed my illusion of growth.

This last year has seen massive shifts for me. Some are permanent. Some are overshadowed by old habits. Still other shifts and lessons are ongoing, out there like laundry on the line just waving in my face and blocking my view. and calling to me. Come and get me out of the way! Come see what’s behind me so you get on with your next adventure!  Well, I did pack up all my stuff, and go traveling.  Now that I’ve spent the summer doing it, traveling, seeing new places, I realize I’ve just fallen back into my old habit of hiding. Same shit, different scenery and only a distraction for a limited amount of time.

Up until now, I’ve mostly just admired that laundry, maybe held onto it, smelled its comforting smell, and gone back inside. However, in just the past four days, thanks to some friends and my inner voice, saying, really? this is what you want? I’ve made moves to grab onto some of those sheets flying in the wind. I’ve started looking at them closely, finding the flaws, the rips and the tears and the stains. I’m actually handling some of them, hugging them, thanking them for their service and I am working at letting them go. To donate that laundry back to the Universe.

And hey! Look over here! I’ve managed to pull myself back up over the edge of The World, and I’m standing on the edge of MY world.  Sure, I’m not looking down at the drop with glee.  I am standing there though, and waving at you.

Hi.  I’m Jennifer. Welcome to my Edge. What Edge are you standing on? Maybe we can help each other.

With love and light,
Jenn

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