Over the Edge of … Normal

“The Trouble with Normal is it always gets worse.” Words immortalized, in my mind anyway, by the song (“The Trouble with Normal”) by the great Bruce Cockburn.
And to some degree, yes that’s true. We get inured to what happens in the world and around us, and begin to tune things out.  I am a huge proponent of this – I dislike watching the news because most of the time (let’s face it, 99% of the time) – it’s bad or depressing. There’s a fire here, murders there, swindling next door and earthquakes over there, and all manner of human activities that defy our basest nature of wanting to be loved and loving (I believe).

I want to look at it from a different perspective. I used to be a drama queen. Yes, I can hear you laughing out there. I still am, I’ll admit it. My drama is different than it used to be, more subtle. I used to get all dramatic about other people’s drama and occasionally I still do. I am getting better at recognizing it though and getting out as fast as I can. Still not successful at that. My biggest drama fit, and I’m deep in it right now, is, like all classic drama (and I’m not talking acting here, people) is still selfish and self-centered.

What do I mean by this? We all want to be loved. I want to be loved. I want attention, I think. I don’t want attention, I think. I don’t really know what I think lots of times because I’m just going on instinct or intuition which can be dramatic because my programming, whereby I react to things dramatically, still exists. I have to be conscious of how I react to things, whether to my own shit and bad moods and stress, or to others’.

It’s become clearer to me over the last couple of years that being ‘modest’, ‘self-effacing’, the” oh, no, I’m not good enough” schtick is just that – schtick. Bullschtick to be exact. Major, stinky, piled-up masses of bullschtick. It is more selfish and self-centered to sit there and say “oh woe is me, oh, no you take the last cookie, you deserve it more than I do”, to let everyone else go first, to ignore what I want, to be the “nice” person. Everyone tells me I’m nice. I don’t think I am. I think I’m selfish and bitchy. yes, I can still hear you laughing.  That attitude that bullschtick as it were . .. is described as a victim mentality or a martyr complex.  We likley all know someone or have caught ourselves doing this. We all do because most of us some sort of programming or belief that we are not good enough or a sub-genre of that (i.e. too this, too that, not enough this or that).

And I definitely still indulge in the ‘Schtick.  Case in point: I’m still editing the first book while writing the second book.  And I believe I am selfish and self-centered and all my friends, and likely colleagues and anyone who’s spent time with me will tell you that. However, I am also overly generous and I like to make people happy.  I get pissy when things don’t go my way and I whine that I’m not good enough.

I’m also fiercely loyal.  I can be kind, I want what’s best for you, I am loving, though sometimes it takes a bit to get inside my walls, I am strong, and intelligent. I’m a decent writer, have a great imagination and a gifted intuitive and healer.

I am easily bored. I eat too much and of the wrong stuff. I have a weakness for accessories (because my feet don’t change size when I gain/shed weight), I have concerns with my weight, though I have finally accepted my friend’s assessment that I am, and I quote, “A magnificent ship”.

I am all those things and more and each trait has both a light and a shadow side; which brings me back to ‘Normal’.

When you step outside your box, you reset your normal. The ‘Trouble with Normal’ is that it is flexible. It can expand your reality.  And it can bounce back, like a damned rubber band, and snap your head off. Or at least poke a massive hole in your pride and confidence.

By the beginning of June this year, I’d set a pretty high standard of ‘normal’ for me, and I sailed off into the wild blue yonder thinking I’d find all the answers and I’d get really clear on what I wanted and I’d take my newly set standard of normal and raise it again.

Yeah!  Sounds good, eh? Nope. Not what happened. Luckily I gained a few pounds so my ass looks pretty good and it can’t feel that rubber band snapping on it.
And that standard isn’t gone. I just realized, which prompted to me to write this, that I found a level of normal that I actually want, and now I need to let myself embrace that normal, rather than be dramatic about it. Instead of saying WOW! That’s so amazing!  and I don’t believe it (because the Universe may take it away from me), I’m going to say, yeah. Cool.  That’s normal for me.

Something to chew on for now.  You can chew on it.   I gotta go.  My new normal is calling me to get back to work.

love and hugs and fantastic days!

OTE w/Jenn

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